My Name is Kayla

I always feel so dumb.

I feel like I can’t even hold a conversation with people.
(I can’t even remember the names of the people I meet)

I’m trying to get good grades in college.

That’s a lie, I’m telling myself that I’m trying, but really I’m staying up late for the second night in a row doing another project at the last minute.

That’s also a lie, I’m telling myself that I’m working on this project but really I’m just bitching on Tumblr.

Why can’t I just get my shit together? If I’m as smart as some people believe then why can’t I just BE SMART?

I feel so motivated and I want to do so much, but I get too distracted by stupid shit to actually take the first step.

What I want to do with my life.

Slowly over the last few months I’ve been coming to terms with what I really want to do with my life.

It felt so abstract for the longest time.  Most people’s passions involve activities or things.  I know people who love music, who love dancing, who love tinkering with computers, who love exercising, who love farming.  I don’t love any one activity that strongly.  Up until now I’ve always thought I was defective or something because I never loved any activities as strongly as these people I know love their favorite activities.

So I did some research, reflected on all the stereotypical questions.  What would I do if I had an inordinate amount of money? What was I interested in when I was a kid?  What sorts of things am I naturally drawn to?

After thinking about these questions I came to a shocking realization: I genuinely just want to connect to people and make their lives better.  I want to understand why individuals do what they do, and I want them to learn how to improve their existence.

It’s so simple I could have overlooked it.  But now the idea has come in clear.  Now I just need to figure out what I’m going to do with it.

They say that Daniel Tosh has social anxiety and creates a character for his shows.  I’m starting to think that I have social anxiety and create a character for my life.

I want to be in love with life, but right now life looks an awful lot like a bald-headed, hairy-bodied, sweating, fat asshole.

Things I Do When I’m in a Bad Mood to Put Myself in a Better Mood.

1. Look in the mirror and slap myself in the face.

2. Look at furniture online and plan my future home.

3. Watch Parks and Recreation

4. Eat chocolate

5. Stretch all my muscles

6. Plan what classes I’m going to take and when for the rest of college.

7. Consider putting in an application at the coffee shop up the road I’ve been wasting a lot of money at

8.  Walk up to said coffee shop and buy a hazelnut latte, forget to get application

9. Do some homework so I can feel a little less bad about myself

10. Stop giving a fuck.

Oh, the feelings.

God damn it I have fallen so hard for this guy.

This is the kind of relationship that I’ve always dreamed of but never thought I could have.